Why is boyfriend controlling

If you often find yourself declining invites from friends and family because you're worried your partner might get mad, it may be time to end the relationship. A guy that attempts to isolate you from your support network is someone who is trying to assert his dominance.

People who are isolated are easier to control, so watch out if he's talking smack about your friends or your family.

It's even worse if he actively tries to start drama to drive a wedge between you and the people you care about or he blatantly forbids you from seeing them. No one has a right to stop you from seeing your loved ones, no matter how much he doesn't get along with them.

If you catch your partner snooping on your phone or computer, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Going back to the whole insecurity thing, controlling people often don't trust their partners. They might go to huge lengths to spy on them or follow them around to make sure that they're not stepping "out of line. If your boyfriend is stalking you or reading your text messages, then get help immediately. This is a very bad sign, and there's no telling what could happen.

Speak to a trusted friend or, if you feel in danger, you might even want to get authorities involved. Another manipulation tactic he might use is to make you feel like he "does so much for you," that you owe him your compliance. Again, this is the transactional nature of a controlling relationship. You are exchanging your freedom for whatever it is that he says he's giving you.

Is it his way or the highway? If your partner makes you feel rotten when things don't go exactly how he wants them to, it may be time for you to separate. A controlling person cannot handle it when something doesn't go his way.

If he can't manipulate a situation successfully, then he'll make sure that everyone around him is as miserable as he is. This is a message that he's sending to you: "Disobey me, and see what happens. A controlling boyfriend tries to change you by making you feel like he would only love you or stay with you if you are exactly the way he wants you to be. This is a very subtle but extremely toxic way of belittling you to get you to do what he wants.

He's trying to make you feel like you have to earn his love. Does your partner keep a mental tally of things you owe them and make sure you feel never like you're even? This is very unhealthy behavior. He keeps a mental record of everything the both of you do in the relationship so that he can use them to blame you, to ask for a favor in return, or to make you feel like you didn't do enough. A relationship should be unconditional, meaning there should be an innate practice of giving and receiving.

But if your man keeps tally and demands favors in return for favors he gives you instead of practicing generous caring, then he has the upperhand.

This tactic is not much different than tactics used by owners to train animals. He is creating a system wherein you will only receive his love and attention when you do something he wants. Do you often get the teasing jab about your weight, about the way you talk, or about something that he thinks is "wrong" about you?

If you get upset, he might even make you feel like your reaction is wrong by pointing out that you can't take a joke. Teasing once in a while is fine, but constant teasing, especially when there is a recurring theme about your physical appearance, your intelligence, or some other aspect of you is a form of manipulation. He is hoping that if you hear it enough times, you'll eventually change. It is never okay for your partner to pressure you into having sex. No matter how big of gentleman your boyfriend is outside of bed, there is no excuse for him to pressure you to have sex.

In fact, it is common for a guy who spoils you, profusely compliments you, and showers you with love and generosity to expect something in return He will make you feel guilty about it by questioning your love for him. You might hear him say, "Do you even love me? If you are in a situation like this, the best thing to do is to break up. It sounds extreme, but unfortunately, a guy who expects things in return for what should be unconditional love will never change. Furthermore, guilting or pressuring a partner into sex is dangerous and toxic.

A relationship like this could lead to physical abuse or cheating. It's better to end things now than to follow this dark path and suffer even worse outcomes later on.

A partner should be encouraging, should build your confidence, and push you to believe in yourself. A controlling boyfriend, however, always has a way of making you feeling like you aren't good enough. It may come off as giving practical advice, but in reality, he's just being negative. If your man is constantly telling you your grades aren't good enough or that you aren't good enough to do [fill in the blank], then he is controlling your life decisions and ultimately your destiny.

Before you label cast your boyfriend as a controlling person with bad intentions, please carefully analyze your relationship and the situation you are both in. Yes, what he is doing is controlling, and it's not acceptable, but he could just be a negative Nancy or a very risk-adverse person.

If you want to move across the country to begin a career, and he's afraid he'll lose you, he may plant seeds of doubt to persuade you to stay. Or if you wanted to go back to school, but it will be very tough to afford and there is no guarantee that you will get a better-paying job, then he may not want you to take the risk. It all depends on the context. People of every gender identity can behave in controlling ways or can be on the receiving end of these behaviors.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention CDC states that more than 43 million women and 38 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner, which includes controlling behaviors.

Although the control may be obvious when your partner explicitly asks you to behave in certain ways, there are some subtler controlling ways that might lead you to feel confused and overwhelmed. Learning some of these signs may help you make an informed and safe decision about your relationship.

If you jump into hot water, your reaction might be to rush out of it. But what happens when you step into lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat up? This analogy may help you understand the dynamics of a controlling relationship.

You may even start getting used to some of them. Not all controlling partners behave in the same way, though. There are many degrees of control, and the control may be subtly integrated into your relationship. What really matters is how you feel about these behaviors. Do they make you feel insecure, uncomfortable, or hand-tied about some aspects of yourself and your life? This may be a red flag in itself.

But it may be the latter if your partner routinely makes decisions for you. They may also make arrangements with your friends without asking you first, or they may paint or redecorate according to their taste only. Any of these behaviors on their own might not mean anything in particular. Instead of admitting that they invaded your privacy in the first place, they might shift the blame to you in order to avoid responsibility for their choices.

Criticism can look like making jokes about you in front of other people, disparaging the way you dress, or always pointing out mistakes — like the one place you forgot to shave your legs or a little bit of dust you forgot to clean on the floor. Over time, constant criticism can erode your sense of self-confidence, and it may also lead you to act in certain ways to avoid being criticized. A controlling romantic partner may try to prevent you from living your life as you typically would.

They might:. This behavior can be subtle, like tuning out the conversation when you share stories about other people or giving you an eye roll when you answer phone calls. It can also be more overt. A controlling partner may complain about how much spend time you spend with other people, like friends or family. They may even act in certain ways that create friction when your friends or family are around.

They can also isolate you by demanding your attention with a crisis, in order to prevent you from following through on plans with other people. They might give you the silent treatment whenever you choose to spend time with someone else. A controlling partner may downplay an experience, like an angry outburst, and then accuse you of being overly sensitive. They may even deny saying things, lie to you or tell you that your gut instinct is wrong. This goes for physical boundaries as well.

Being in a relationship with a controlling partner can be exhausting. It may take a toll on your self-esteem, moods, and your outlook in life. The thing is, however, that the way they behave is only about them and has nothing to do with how you behave. This, in turn, could make you feel worse. They stem from pain or the need for love and validation that you are not receiving in your relationship.

In a relationship, you should have unconditional love. You have agreed to love each other for who you are. That doesn't mean that you get to treat someone poorly; it indicates that you respect each other and accept each other for who you are.

Conditional love, on the other hand, means that he only loves you if you behave or look a certain way. That's a major sign that a controlling boyfriend might be at play here; you feel like you must please him all of the time and like if you don't, he won't love you. Your partner treats you less like an independent adult and more like a child.

So, he infantilizes you, tells you what to do, makes you feel like you don't know what you're doing or how to make your own choices, condescends or patronizes you, and tries to organize your life. You are not a child, and you don't deserve to be told what to do. If you find that your boyfriend is behaving this way - trying to tell you what to wear, who to see, if he condescends to you - that's a sign that he's controlling.

If you find that you're in a controlling relationship, it can be emotionally destructive and detrimental to your life. It's important that you confront this issue and deal with the problems that can ensue.

Look at the relationship and determine what parts are controlling so that you can understand that you need to do to get out of the relationship or make it healthier.

One of the ways to deal with these issues is by going to therapy with your partner. In some cases, it's not hopeless; maybe he's behaving in a jealous way because he doesn't know how to handle a relationship and may be scarred from the past.

The key in this situation is that you feel fully safe and that he shows a genuine, consistent effort to change. If this is the case for you, one thing that you can do is go to couples counseling. Online counseling can help, and the trained counselors at ReGain are here to help you work through these problems and make sure that you get the most out of your relationships.

There are many signs of a controlling boyfriend or controlling partner. Some of these include:. When you have a controlling partner, they will exhibit controlling behavior on a mild to extreme scale. Controlling behavior often stems from your controlling partner having a lack of control over something in his own life. However, this scenario often backfires when your controlling partner tries taking over your entire life and decision factors.

Sings of a controlling partner can be small at first. Much large and more significant controlling behavior would be refusing to let you leave the house without him or controlling your food and clothes choices. True love consists of trust. You should never feel like your boyfriend is controlling you. That is not true love. There are always signs your partner is over controlling; however, you may not pick up on them right away.

The National Domestic Violence Alliance says that most domestic violence relationships start with subtle signs your partner wants to control you. These signs of a controlling romantic relationship can be scary, but if you feel like your partner is already trying to manage all of your affairs, it may be time to walk away from the partnership before it is too late.

A controlling person is someone who exerts dominance over another individual in an unhealthy and self-serving manner. The dominance of controlling people is toxic, and it is for their own gain. Controlling people want to feel a sense of power.

Additionally, a controlling partner might make them feel like you owe them something or make you feel guilty in order to get what they want. If your partner is exhibiting a smaller sign of controlling behavior that may be unintentional, have a conversation about it.

For example, if your boyfriend needs to check your phone constantly, talk to your boyfriend. If he understands, apologizes, and stops, or agrees to go to couples therapy and this was the only present sign of controlling behavior in your relationship, it is likely something you can work through. A toxic relationship might include quarrels and less than healthy patterns, but abuse is beyond that.

If emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse are present, it is time to go. Abuse is about power and control. Again, when it comes to controlling people and controlling partners, get out before it gets worse.